Things I Fully Intend to Finish This Long Weekend…

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They say that nice guys finish last, luckily for me, I don’t finish ANYTHING. That’s why God and Donald Trump invented three day weekends, so that degenerates like me can shake off our lingering hangovers and finally get something done. Here’s a list of things I’m trying to finish this President’s Day:


ANY long distance run:

It’s time to break out the Asics and finally do that 5K I’ve been meaning to do. I went to the Color Run for two years straight, and they say that making it there is half the battle…and two halves make a whole. Therefore, I’ve run one full 5k. Consider item #1 on this list, completed.



This has to be the most daunting item on the list. According to the 3 hours of total Biology classes I payed attention to in college, most cells replicate via Mitosis. I’m fairly sure this means that my laundry is multiplying the same way. No matter how much I seem to do, the pile never gets smaller…At this point, I would honestly rather bring a child into this world than start my laundry. At least the child will go away in 18 years.

A book:

Literally any book. Public school completely failed me in that I somehow graduated despite never opening a book. I owe my 12th grade English teacher an apology, I told her that I swore on my life I would read “Canterbury Tales” before I graduated…5 years later. I’m still trying to figure out what that book is even about. This long weekend, it’s my goal to finish a novel that doesn’t involve a child-like frog doing every day tasks or a magic, time traveling treehouse. My names R.P., and the “P” stands for “Probably never gonna fucking finish whole book”.


The Puzzle My Grandma and I Started 15 Years Ago:

Ahh, nothing like spending time with your grandparents doing things that remind them of the simpler times, before the age where that girl from your High School made 6-figures selling fake nutritional supplements using her above average sized butt. A couple issues standing in the way of me finishing this task anytime soon: I have a severe lack of general patience, which I heard is important for puzzle making. Also, my grandmother died 4 years ago and didn’t leave me that puzzle in the Will. How un-thoughtful…

Christmas Shopping:

Yeah…I know it’s February and Christmas was over two months ago. What of it?

My Own Pyramid Scheme:


For legal reasons, were calling it “multi-level marketing”. Pyramid Schemes are what make America great. What other country can create an entire economy off of 18-50 year olds of below-average intelligence, selling products that may or may not exist to their close friends!? Not a single one. This is probably the only list item I will get done today. 

PS anyone wanna make 500-2000 a day running their OWN business!?

Let’s be honest, none of us are going to finish the items on our list today. So crack open a beer, turn on Netflix, and keep your blackout from this weekend rolling. God bless America.


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