The time has come. Old man winter has lured us into his unmarked van and “bad touched” almost every part of the country in the form of harsh, traumatizing snow. This figurative post-holiday sexual assault can only mean one thing. The grand-daddy of all cuffing season events is at our doorstep like a pair of knock off AirPods from Amazon Prime. That’s right, less than a month until the day every girl named “Marissa” or “Ashley” dreams of and every “Brad” from Theta Chi shutters at the thought of, Valentines Day. Think of this made up, over-commercialized, and downright horse shit day as the Super Bowl for your neighborhood basic chick. If your relationship has endured the grueling fall of apple picking and the holidays listening to your uncle shouting “build the wall”, face it. You’re now obligated to participate. Never fear, though. We’ll get through this together. Whether you’re knee deep in pointless phone calls because you miss that special someone or you’re single looking for a good anti-depressant, I’m here to give you the coping mechanisms you need to survive the “big game”.
Ladies, close your ears (err your eyes, I guess) this one is for the guys who lack the emotional intelligence to put on a Valentines Day you will remember. Okay, now that the women stopped reading (they didn’t), I need to open this guide by saying DEAR GOD MAN, NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS, SHE WANTS TO CELEBRATE VALENTINES DAY!! Don’t fall into the trap of really doing nothing and then getting into a fight down the road. The key to a good Valentines Day is to first and foremost to keep it low key. She will raise it to high key herself, just check her Instagram or Snapchat story when all is said and done. Step one, break into her home. Don’t BREAK break in, explain to her roommates/parents that you’re doing some set up for the holiday. Any self-respecting human being will allow you in on this occasion no matter how much they may or may not hate you. Make her bed for her if it’s not already made and place three very specific items on her bed for her to find when she returns: NO MORE than three roses, any more and you look like you’re apologizing for cheating on her. A small box of those terrible Russell Stover chocolates, and a framed photo of you two doing something stupid together. This will only run you ten bucks. Step two, plan a dinner. You know this person enough to know what she likes to eat. Never ask what she wants…we all know where that leads. She’s smart enough to get dressed up for this on her own, and you are too. Step three: rent a movie from redbox you both will like for after the dinner and get a pair of sweatpants ready. For no more than $100 you have successfully pulled off a passable Valentines Day. It’s not going to get you in any trouble and you won’t look like a total goober. That’s the kind of gray area I like to be in.
Now, your cuffing season went as poorly as the tail end of a 21st birthday party? I’ve got the plans for you too. Lucky for people like us, Valentines Day is planted firmly in “quit your New Years resolution” season. You blew through your first tub of protein powder and your gym membership card is right next to your Blockbuster Video card collecting dust. This means you’re free to be the temporarily depressed monster everyone knows you already are. The only way to spend February 14th without a significant other is to be as gluttonous as humanly possible. Without any one to treat. You’re free to treat yourself.
The key is your nearest pizza chain. Almost all of them have a heart shaped pizza deal. Crush that like Kim crushed your actual heart at the bars this fall. Spare no expense here. Want the wings? Get em. 2 liter of coke? Get it. Don’t even use a glass. If you haven’t reversed all of your work you promised you would do in January, you’re doing it wrong. Next, buy a bottle (or box) of cheap wine. Throw on a terrible comedy movie on Netflix and proceed to pass out on your pull-out couch. You’ll probably wake up feeling awful, but that’s how you woke up the day before too, right? What’s one more day of Pedialyte and regret once a year between friends?
I hope I’ve helped you navigate the last few months of cuffing season successfully. Whether you changed your Facebook relationship or got a Xanax prescription, there’s always next year, champ. Stay plugged into The Outlet and my personal social media @RotelBeckhamJr for more advice and general negative outlooks.