Every guy has seen it. The dating app profile that is so ubiquitous that it hinders our response because we’ve seen it a million times before. Whether it lacks personality, self-awareness, or is just plain dumb. We’ve all seen a form of these female dating app bios. The following are versions of the most common I’ve seen throughout my dating life. All of these have slightly different versions to them, but all are equally annoying and unoriginal.
“I don’t know why I’m here, but I am!”
We all know why you’re here. It’s to combat the crippling loneliness of the guy that cheated on you 3 years ago that you can’t seem to fully get over. This girl is ready to fuck, but right after she’ll FaceTime her ex and sob about her real problems in life.
”I have X amount of tattoos and counting”
This girl places literally all her personality on some shitty tattoos that she saw on Pinterest one time and now somehow relates them to her life as if it were her idea. Talking to her is the equivalent to talking to a parking meter and on top of all that, you’re gonna have to read her childhood dogs name WHILE doing doggy style…yikes.
“If you don’t wear cowboy boots, cutoffs, and love to go muddin’, then go ahead and swipe left!”
Living in Mid-Missouri you’d think I’d get used to this. First of all, any girl who puts her qualifiers out there and her unwillingness to accept anything else is cutting out her pool too much. We can’t be that choosy in life, especially when you look at the pictures of the girls that say these things. You need ALL the help you can get, honey. I also probably gave these girls too much credit by making that quote grammatically correct. No way in hell that Destiny from Boonville, MO uses commas that well…
“[School and Grad Year] [Major]”
This is the girl that opens tinder once a month and only when she’s drunk. Her bio is lazy and uninspired because frankly, so is she in her romantic life. Don’t expect to get her out of her romper unless your name is “Chad” and you look like a failed J Crew catalog model.
“I practically live at the gym”
This girl isn’t looking for a significant other, or even a hook up. She’s looking for someone who looks good on Instagram and will get her another 1000 followers when she uses #swolemate along with the other 96 hashtags under her posts with you two wearing matching Gym Shark apparel and drinking those god awful Bang energy drinks…at least you’ll be “banging” something, amirite!?
”Single mother of [X]”
This is a DESPERATE woman. I don’t have anything against single moms. Trust me, there’s nothing I like more than leaving a hookup with a pizza lunchable I stole from the fridge in hand on the way out. Single moms on Tinder are like every dad on Facebook. They think they know how to use it, when in all reality. They’re the WORST at it. They’re profile picture is almost certainly their Facebook profile photo taken with a 3 year old android phone and is more blurry than a late night “Girls Gone Wild” infomercial from the early 2000’s
”Don’t swipe right if you’re under 6 feet tall”
The girl that writes this is soon to be the aforementioned single mom on Tinder, Bumble, etc. Why? Because while she may be bad…she SUUUCCKKKKSSSS. I get it, height is a qualifier for dudes but if you lay it out there for everyone to know right off the bat. You just come off sounding kinda bitchy. Be self-aware, take yourself a bit more seriously, and say something funny. You’ll get laid more and maybe they’ll even stick around past 8am.
“Venmo name: [X]”
This girl is getting $5 and a request for fart videos via Snapchat. Her vodka soda was bought by a guy who really likes feet. This is female scheming to the highest degree. I bring these types of bios up when women try to tell me that these apps are way better for guys. Come on, you mean to tell me you got your B-Dubs paid for on a dating app!? If I put my Venmo in my bio all I would get is requests for money. Don’t hate the move tho, you gotta get it how you live, homegirl. Still not gonna swipe right, though.
“[Anything relating to The Office]”
Listen, where do I start here…YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON THAT LIKES “THE OFFICE”! I don’t know if you’ve looked around but at LEAST 75% of the population loves the show. I happen to be in the other 25%, I think it thrives on trash comedy, but we’ll get into that later. The point is girls: if you wanna get fucked…or even get a date. Please be more original. Even guys who like the office are tired of a bio that just says: “Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica” or “Be the Jim to my Pam”. Remember, Jim stared at Pam from across the room every day for 8 years…it was creepier than anything.
This girl loves pot, and has probably sucked her drug dealers dick a time or two. Honestly, she might be the definition of what it is to be in your 20’s!
”My dog means the world to me!!”
Run, run now. This fairly innocuous bio may seem like a girl who just really likes her dog, but beware…because that girl will never like you more than that dog. Single girls get dogs for a reason, because loneliness can only go on for so long and canines to Ghost you. So, if you like being second fiddle to “Rover”…I would maybe steer clear.
Well, I’m glad that’s off my chest. If any one of these bios is yours, I’m sorry. I will however revamp your dating app bio for free if you slide into my DMs on twitter or Instagram @RotelBeckhamJr and give you a fire bio guaranteed to get you laid way quicker than any of these will.