Sex is Pretty Overrated

close up of woman holding condom
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Yes, I said it. Sex sucks. Before you tell me I’m some sort of beta male that can’t pull chicks (which is entirely true, to be fair). Let me break all of this down for you. By the end of this article you’ll be passing up getting laid to get an extra 30 minutes…or let’s be honest an extra 6 and a half minutes of shut eye.

Cardio

This is number one on the list for a reason. Cardio fucking sucks. It’s the last thing you do at the gym as to delay the pain, and I genuinely don’t trust people that run for fun. Sex is almost all cardio and I’m just not about that anymore. On top of that it takes some serious stamina to fully please a woman. Honestly, you know hard it is to make a woman orgasm!? I don’t! Why!? Never done it before. Now, is an easy fix to this to start running more? Yes it is. Am I gonna do that? Hell no.

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Food

Food is better than everything and that includes sex. Why do you think there are desserts called things like : “Chocolate Orgasm” and “Sex Cake” because dessert is better than being sweaty and naked on top of someone. I’m taking food over intercourse 9.5/10 times. That other .5 is a rare occasion I pull an 8+ and those girls are ALWAYS worse than the rest in bed. But, that’s an article for another day. Today we’re highlighting the fact that for the last few years, I have opted for food instead of women. At nighttime this is especially true. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have left a girl to go eat late night Pepperjax Grill in The Old Market District in Omaha, NE. 10/10 would recommend, just wait til after midnight.

Contraception

I call it the condom conundrum. It’s a weird dynamic that isn’t talked about enough between men and women. It all has to do with who is supposed to bring a condom to an encounter. The easy answer is the guy. I get it, that’s how we guys have been taught to do it. There’s a hitch in this plan. When a male carries around a condom. The girl begins to think that you expected her to put up. And 1 out of 8 times. You’ll be turned down for it. It’s nonsense, but it’s the world we live in. Okay, so what if the inverse happens? Where a lady has a condom either in her purse or her nightstand. Now, ladies I think you really should have condoms of your own just in case. The problem with society is, some guys are absolute pricks and like to slut shame a girl for being prepared. I don’t know how to solve this, but it needs to be solved. I’m all in on gender equality.

The Risks

I don’t need to go too far into those. I hope to god everyone reading this is about the age of like, 13. If you are under that age, press that x in the corner young blood. Hit me up in 5 years and I’ll put you on. Point is l, we ALL know about the risks of STDs. You never really know what someone else has got or is too embarrassed to talk about. There is also the risk of the ultimate STD. A kid. I treat sexual encounters as a three point inspection that need at least 2 points checked. Condom, Birth Control, pullout practice. If I don’t do at least two of these Ill be a mess for the next few weeks. Knock on wood, I’ve never had a scare. But, I do keep a (probably expired) Plan B one step in my gun safe. Stay safe out there y’all.

The Groundwork

Next to the cardio aspect, this one is the worst. It’s sort of a “1A and 1B” relationship.Getting someone to have sex with you is the hardest thing to do in the world. You have to make some semblance of an emotional connection with someone and make sure your timing is perfect before you’re in the friend zone. In theory, this is easy. It’s really not. Because to meet aforementioned criteria there’s so much more you have to do: Personal hygiene, having a sense of style, having charm, being funny, and WORST of all putting yourself out there. I’m not sure humans realize how much exactly needs to be done to attract a mate. It’s just too much for me. On any given day I can only choose like two of those things. On top of all that, technology has thrown a wrench in all those things. It’s almost necessary to have a good social media game in order to get laid these days. I for one, am not “here for it”

Am I just lazy and apathetic? Probably. But, at this point there’s so many things I need to focus on other than “chasing tail”. Like getting my first solo “Victory Royals” on Fortnite and telling shitty jokes on the internet. If you do have the motivation to get laid and possibly get a significant other. I wrote a whole guide on it which you can read here. Until then, I’ll be compulsively gambling and eating Kansas City BBQ.

-RP

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