I’m gonna start this column with a disclaimer. While I am a millennial relationship expert, don’t take anything I say I’m this column as gospel. These are just tips I’ve picked up along the way. It took literally hundreds of man hours, bad dates, and lost hoodies to develop this list. Another disclaimer, this may only apply to those labeled as a “Basic Bitch”. A term I don’t really agree with, but, fuck…I love me a good basic bitch.
“This Fuckin’ Guy”
Okay the first step to bagging a basic bitch is obviously the opener. To be honest, this is the hardest step. Any relationship is a constant uphill battle and as the world gets evermore dangerous for any decently attractive lady. I do however, really like this step because it’s unlike any you’ve heard, you sad sack of shit. There are no pickup lines, no offensive degradation of the woman you’re trying to meet, or any other shit trick some good looking white male taught you on YouTube. First step is to get within earshot of your target basic bitch. Know your surroundings, in a crowded club, being right next to her is okay, she expects that. In a house party or any other gathering, this is hella creepy and you’ll lose your shot before you even get a possession. Next, just look around. See anyone being weird or just a big try-hard? Get her attention and say something like my personal favorite: “This fuckin’ guy” usually, you get a laugh. Now she knows you’re at least half funny even if it’s at the expense of a guy named “Brad” and/or “Chad”…everyone hates those guys anyway. Next step, introduce yourself. She has to have a name and a face. Otherwise, you’re still a creep. The way you’re creepy works just like the United States Justice System: You’re creepy until proven innocent. So don’t make a night out into “Making A Murder Pt. 3”. Now it’s time to make a bold move most guys won’t make, compliment an article of clothing she is wearing or an unthreatening body part. Obviously not her bra or ass…grow up man. I usually go for the shoes, eyes, or even her contour. If you don’t know what I contour is: look it up, get in touch with your feminine side, pussy.
Snap To It
Okay, at some point you’ll need her contact information, or else you’ve just wasted both of y’alls time. Stop asking for phone numbers, that’s some 1960s shit. No, get with the times and ask for her Snapchat. For two reasons: 1. It’s easier to block someone than it is to block a 7 year olds jumper. Phone numbers are just too much commitment for a millennial. 2. The story, the story is your best friend. It’s an opener for all situations, the day after you wake up and see her snaps from the club you were both at and all future ones for a “hey stranger” snap text. I like following up with a girl I meet at the bar the afternoon after. Hopefully she didn’t black out entirely and still remembers you. You should still reintroduce yourself, and where she should know you from. This jogs her memory blackout or not. Hopefully she still thinks you were decent looking enough to respond back. If she responds to say, 5 or 6 of your snaps. You’re still in the running here, and the game begins. Oh, and if you wanna come at me for calling your flirtation a “game”. Remember, all of your life is a game. So lace-up for goddamn cleats and get on the field, pimpin’.
So It Begins…
This is where this article is gonna get real millennial in this bitch. The rules for dating have changed one hell of a lot since our grandparents “were going steady”. You have just now entered yourself into a mental chess game the likes of which the world has never seen. Girls have the uncanny ability to overthink every single thing in their lives. Use this to your advantage. Turn on your read receipts, open snaps and wait a bit to reply, go do something and say you’re going to turn on airplane mode. This not only makes her question if you like her that much, it also makes you seem like you have a semblance of a social life and like things besides the internet. Again, I’m ready for all of the hate coming at me. I get left on read about 15 times a week, y’all girls are playing this game too. Y’all are just better at it.
Hangouts and Dates
If anything I write here sticks with you: It should be this portion. There is a strict order to these two very different events. We’ll start with the ever important first hangout. The first hangout should be first and foremost, casual. Coffee, light drinks, meeting up at a bar. Every one of these can and probably should be done with friends. Buddy system is still a thing in when you’re in your 20s. Dates are true commitments and having a casual hangout is a stepping stone to the commitment of a true date. Now, once you have one or two solid, casual hangouts. It’s time to go for the real deal. Now, I’m terrible at dates. Usually I’ve moved past a girl by this point. However, I went to a local chain sit down restaurant last week alone (I do this more often than any sane person should) and right across from me was a sterling example of a date night. They ordered food and before it even came they HOUSED two bottles of white wine together. Wine is an hourglass for a date. Once it’s gone, the date should be over if it’s lackluster in nature. This couple not only knows how to get down, they also exemplify what spending time with your significant other is really about. I got really sappy here, and it’s for a reason. Because, in the next step…you have to too.
Now holy fucking shit I hate the term “talking” when it comes to dating. But, it is so widely used that I have no choice but to include it in my guide here. From most understandings, talking is the phase that comes before a full commitment. Talking assumes that you are only interested in one another, but also don’t consider the other person a significant other just yet. Sound like a gray area? That’s be cause it is. It’s just one way millennials and iGen-ers can distance themselves from human emotions. Somewhere along the way it became cool to kinda be together but not really yet because one party may get hurt. That’s my rant on “talking”. Now you’ve been seeing this young lady for a period of time now. You have two options here: ask her directly if you two are talking and express interest in doing so. Or two, my personal favorite, wait until she tells YOU that you two are talking. What can I say? I love a bossy bitch.
Okay, after no more than I’d say a month of dating. You are entering the wonderful world of being in a relationship, congrats! Don’t fuck it up. You two are about 4-10 years away from splitting a bank account and venturing into home ownership. But, I’m REALLY getting ahead of myself. Now there have been many ways to announce to announce that you are no longer single: at one time “going steady” meant you were locked in to dating another person. Now this is WELL before our time so let’s collectively go ask Nana what the fuck that means.
Then, when the internet came along we got the crown jewel of social media, MySpace. Apart from having a kickass layout and a bitchin’ profile song. You had the ultimate ranking of people in your life: The Top 8. I think you could change it to add a few more but real OGs had 8. If a girl was at number one in the list, she was your ride or die. We should bring that shit back, I’m tryna rank my friends again like middle school. Oh, you wanna tell me I look ugly today?!? You just went from 3 to 8, John. Okay so after MySpace came Facebook, and there were a multitude of ways you could show off your significant other with Facebook. The first, and the gold standard for telling the opposite (or same, I don’t judge) gender to fuck off. You switched that shit to “in a relationship” and shit went bananas for you, especially if the other person took too long to accept the tag of their name so everyone was left guessing at who it was. Ah, good times. Last but certainly not least, as it is the current method of announcing a relationship. The Instagram post. Nowadays if a girl posts a photo of a guy onto her timeline there is a CLEAR line of who is a friend and who is a boyfriend. Boyfriends get the better captions. End of story.