Sometimes, I yearn for a simpler time. A time where you showed that you had a significant other by putting them in your “top 8” on MySpace, or flipping the switch to “in a relationship” on Facebook. But, the time has come to change the way we announce that another human isn’t completely embarrassed to hang out with us. What was once a simple drop down change is now replaced by a process that requires planning, pageantry, and a lot of free time. I’m talking of course, about the couples Instagram post. The third biggest day in a basic bitch’s life, behind her first job and getting married. Okay, I don’t know if that last sentence is true but judging by seriously these are taken. I’m sure it is.
Here’s the issue I have with the shift in trends. I’m one of the least photogenic people of all time. I don’t photograph well. This issue not only plagues me but millions of men in America. I find it necessary to bring attention to this issue for one single reason. At 23 years old I feel as if though I should quit dating just for “funsies”, but, for a more long term connection with someone who I don’t completely hate. Based on these factors, I simply can’t be a good Instagram boyfriend. As much as we don’t want to admit it, being worthy of Instagram posts is a kind of a big deal. The fact that I’m at such a pivotal point in my life and the fact that dating is now based on pictures for some reason. Not taking good photos is slowly ruining my life.
Let’s break this down a little further, because I am completely neurotic and find it necessary to explain my tendencies to people I may or may not know on the internet. First, I’m the poster child for being “skinny fat” that type of fat that’s a bit more subtle than FAT fat, but just as crippling. Shirts don’t fit quite right sometimes, tucking in a shirt is almost an impossibility, and I think my belly button got deeper. That’s not exactly relevant, but worth mentioning. Next up, we have my smile. Big shout out to my orthodontist and crest whitening strips for giving me a straight, radiant set of teeth. The teeth aren’t the problem necessarily. It’s what my face does when I crack a smile. It’s a condition that effects my entire family. It’s called the “Neal Squint”. When I smile, I essentially close my eyes completely, so every photo looks like it was taken off guard. Lastly, let’s talk about my hair. I envy some guys that have their hair game put together. Y’all have a different type of hair as me obviously because my shit is never on point. It’s messy, curly, and probably cut in a manner that isn’t flattering to my face as a whole. My entire point, albeit drawn out. Is that I’m a hard six…maybe a even a soft six. Very few girls want the IG pic next to me.
So, if you’re a good Instagram boyfriend. I applaud you my dude. That’s just not my forte. Maybe one day the quality girls look for is the ability to make shitty jokes on the internet. Til then, I’ll just write about my critiques of everyone else’s relationship.
If you read this far, hit me on Twitter and Instagram @RotelBeckhamJr and gas me up. After this blog post…I may need it.