The Chronicles of Cuffing Season Part 2: The Playoffs and Tanking

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It’s crunch time ladies and gentleman. The regular cuffing season is nearing its end after the all-star break (aka Halloween). We are now faced with the home stretch. Every couple is trying to make a late season surge. Whether you were an early season favorite or are a surprise late-comer. The time has come where the world will see if you can shine on the biggest cuffing season stage of them all. I’m talking of course, about Thanksgiving and Christmas. The two bowl playoff games that will determine what couples will get to the “granddaddy of them all”, Valentines Day. So pull out your best sweater, dress, and/or khaki slacks because it’s not going to be an easy path to glory. 

For the couples that are preparing for the playoffs, Preparation is key. You’re going to be coming up against the toughest opponents as you leave your home ground and play away games against the biggest roadblocks a relationship can endure, the family. I suggest you treat this as the second most important job interview of your life. Only the strongest showings during the holidays will ensure glory and a possible spot in the cuffing season Hall of Fame. A few tips for success during these trying times: Do not, and I repeat. DO NOT. Be yourself during the holidays. As a new adult, you’re still not ready to handle yourself around adults that actually have their lives together. A three drink maximum should be enforced. Enough to be relaxed and seem candid. But, not enough where you’re chopping it up with the politically radical uncle. Lastly, be overly gracious and polite. No matter how big of a dumpster fire you are. That’ll take you a long way.

But, what about the teams that fall short of their cuffing season goals and fail to make the playoffs? Well, there’s two options here: chalk it up to bad luck and stick it out through the offseason or, tank. Sticking it out through the offseason may be more daunting than the playoffs. You must make it through the age old breakup seasons: Spring Break and Summer. As I stated in part one of this series. The rise in temperatures nation wide will release the animal instincts in human beings to be more promiscuous and attempt to be unchained to another human being. The key to surviving the offseason is a well thought out and romantic Valentine’s Day (ugh). Fear not though, there is another option: tank. Tanking is the process of failing in order to build for next season. Cut your main player and make some salary cap room for a top free agent next summer. Tanking is the preferred method for many cuffing season participants because, well, it’s just easier. You save money, time, and energy on something that’s not guaranteed to be a playoff contender anyway.

No matter how your cuffing season is going. Heed my warnings and put my tips into practice. This is not a blog I wrote as a defense mechanism for my own romantic shortcomings, it is a guide to be followed word for word by all of my cuffing season participants. I’ll talk to you all around February 14th. Stay warm, and may God be with you all.

-RP

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