Lo mein, sesame chicken, broccoli beef, steamed and/or fried dumplings. These are the staples of Americanized Chinese food, and every one has their favorite. No matter where it is, We can all agree that you need that msg filled, salty/sweet, spicy (if you’re into that sorta thing) goodness in our lives from time to time. But where is the right place to spend too much money on some food that will fill you up for maybe 2 hours tops? Don’t worry kids, I’m gonna break it down for you. The following list is THE top places to get the best noodles, questionable meats, and fried appetizers.
1. Pei Wei – Is it a chain restaurant? Yes it is, but there’s something comforting about walking into that joint and seeing a set of menus taller than you as you approach the counter, you want some noods? Pei wei has it. You need a quick sushi fix? Pei wei. Mongolian beef and some crab Rangoon? Pei wei. The spectrum in this mf is glorious and unmatched in the world of Chinese food.
Pro tip – get a Thai donut, you won’t be disappointed.
2. (Let’s be honest everything after the ole P-dub is second rate but i can’t in good conscience have a list with one place on it) Panda Express – the pinnacle of drive thru Chinese food, when you’re trying to feed yourself on the cheap, this is the place to go, 2 entrees and fried rice or chow mein noods for like $9? I’m here for it. The assortment is always top notch, and you can see them cookin it up in the back so you know it’s fresh(ish). Add a side for a buck and a half? Yes please, plus their green tea is unfuckwitable.
3. That random place down the street from where you live – normally has “kingdom” in the name. If you know it, you love it, but a visitor wouldn’t stop there if their life depended on it, you get a veritable shit ton of food, but you’re also not quite sure if it’s something you’re supposed to be eating. Why have I never seen “chicken or pork” look like this anywhere else? Why haven’t I seen my dog in two weeks? But in all honesty who cares? This is the best place to get a styrofoam box full of fried rice for like 6 fifty. Hot sauce kills all the bacteria anyway right?
4. The place at the mall food court – do i want a sample? You’re damn right I do. Am I gonna order food here? Idk, probably not, seeing as how I just had two slices of shitty pizza. But that’s a different list. The Chinese food place at the mall is our last stop on this list, is it good? It’s aight, but I’m so sick of having them shove the same old orange chicken samples in my face for the past 27 years that I don’t get food here just on principle. No one else is offering samples, lady. Anyway, rant over. The food is okay, you can get the carbs you need to power walk around those stores and not buy anything, or catch a quick meal on your lunch break from work or school.
Whatever your fave place to get an egg roll, some meat and veggies, and a giant side of carbos, Chinese food will always be there for you. It’s everywhere, it’s always the same, and it’s never going to keep you full for long. So get out there, get a box, get that fortune cookie, and stay hungry my friends.
– The Real John Boy