If there’s one thing I don’t do well, it’s hold my tongue in situations where other people are being incredibly terrible humans. But, if you work in an office setting you know that having outbursts of rage is sort of frowned upon. So, I created this article to call out every person that made a bonehead move this week, and I’m gonna do it the only way I know how…with football terms. Each offense is carefully considered and given a punishment. Names are changed to protect the guilty parties.
Bringing cucumbers in for the office to eat: 5 yards penalty, replay first down.
Giving my parked car a ticket the moment the meter was being fed: 10 yard penalty, 2nd down.
Putting pickles on my burger when it was the only thing I asked not to be put on: 10 yard penalty, replay 1st down (and remake my sandwich while you’re at it).
Letting your kid scream in a large department store: 15 yard penalty from the spot of the foul, first down.
Telling me to pick up my dogs poop when I clearly had no intention of doing so: After review the ruling on the field is reversed, I picked up the poop anyway.
Keeping your kid on a leash at the mall: There is no foul on the play, it’s just weird.
Making Tuna sandwiches and leaving the office breakroom wreaking: 15 yard penalty, loss of downs.
Subsequently making Brussels sprouts in the toaster oven, making the kitchen smell even worse: After review, the ruling on the field is confirmed, this is the players second offense and therefore is ejected from the game, 4th down.
So that’s all the things I’ve seen over the past few weeks that deserve a flag. Check back here often to see what other offensive behavior I observe.