Celebrities Are Bad At Naming Their Kids

There are lots of names out there. You probably know somebody that has a unique one, or maybe a variation on spelling (looking at you Braxtyn). I mean, my name is Carter, and you don’t hear that one thrown around all that often so I know how it goes.


But as always, celebrities have to be extra. It seems like a common theme in Hollyworld to give your newborn a moniker that makes absolutely zero sense. With Cardi B recently giving birthΒ to her child with Migos’ rapper Offset, I had the notion to look up the worst celeb baby names of all time and I was simultaneously surprised and validated with the disastrous results. Let’s take a look:

  • Kulture Kiara Cephus (Cardi B & Offset) – Not only did they spell “Culture” with a K (gotta make sure to rep your set when naming your first born child, B’s up C’s down) but I’m pretty sure this is one of the Unforgivable Curses from Harry Potter. Hilarious.


  • Diva Thin Muffin Zappa
  • Moon Zappa
  • Dweezil Zappa (Frank Zappa) – We got a Zappa Threepeat!! Frank, my man, get it together. Your first kid’s name is basically a Little Debbie snack cake, Moon Zappa sounds like a gun from Call of Duty Black Ops 2, and DWEEZIL? No comment.


  • Jermajesty Jackson (Jermaine Jackson) – Haha. I get it! Like ‘Your Majesty’! Good one Jermaine. Humiliating your kid for life while also making a hilarious pun with his name? A+.


  • Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee) – Literally just naming your kid a job is primo parenting. Setting this lil guy up for success, Jason – THAT is what we love to see. I’d expect nothing less from the guy that played Earl on a show called “My Name is Earl.”


  • Kyd Duchovny (David Duchovny) – Dave, no!!! One of my favorite actors (X-Files, Californication) just threw in the towel on this one. It’s like the doctor had the birth certificate in hand and said “you got 5 seconds man, what do you wanna name this kid?” Just lazy David, I expected more from you.


  • Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Jillette) – I wish I made this up. Penn Jillette (the magician from Penn & Teller) needs to have a word with Stan Lee because I think he just created the next big superhero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Great job, weirdo.


  • Bronx Mowgli (Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz) – This kid was definitely born with an acoustic guitar and came out drinking a can of La Croix Pamplemousse. Pete and Ashlee, we love your music but don’t you dare ruin the Jungle book for us like this. Get a grip.


  • North West (Kim Kardashian & Kanye West) – If you know me you know I love Kanye West, and honestly this move is really funny. I’m really glad to see that Ye took the advice of probably every person in his 5th grade class.


  • Buddy Bear Maurice (Jooles & Jamie Oliver) – Congratulations! Your son might as well be a stuffed animal! No but really what are the chances this kid grows up to shoot squirrels with a pellet gun down by the railroad. We should’ve seen this coming from somebody named “Jooles.”


OK. So it’s painfully obvious that celebrities are more out of touch with reality than ever. Whatever happened to John, or Steve? But I guess when you’re rich and famous it doesn’t really matter what you name your kid. So go crazy, all of you! Even the normies! It’s 2018 and we don’t care about labels anymore! In fact, I’m changing my name right now. If you see me in public, refer to me as Juul Pod YouTube Johnson.

What do you mean that’s stupid. Stop judging me!! Whatever, you just don’t get it anyway.

— Sev

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