Is The NBA Rigged?

Let me preface this post by saying this: I am not, nor have I ever been, what you would consider an “NBA fan”. To be honest, I’ve never been a fan of basketball as a whole. Outside of March Madness, I could count on one hand how many basketball games I’ve watched in my life. With all of that out in the open, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “how are you even qualified to make such claims against our beloved basketball,” let me tell you –

  1. I own a Scottie Pippen jersey
  2. One time I hit a buzzer 3-pointer in LSJBA (we lost by 14, but it was still cool)
  3. I have a friend that would save LeBron James’ life before he saved his own

I actively try to avoid the NBA, but with the reach of social media nowadays, it’s impossible. It would be accurate to say that I receive all of my knowledge of the current state of the NBA through osmosis, but it’s still fairly easy to pick up on irregularities here and there. Here is my completely unbiased evidence proving the NBA is rigged.

FOUL CALLS/LACK THEREOF (DEPENDS ON WHO’S PLAYING)

After every game this year, it seems as though there’s always an uproar on the internet over a particular call. It’s hard for me to get into a game that’s left completely up to the referee crew when it’s crunch time. Maybe we just get rid of the refs altogether. Idk, I’ve never seen any issues in pickup games.

ADAM SILVER IS AN ALIEN

Adam Silver
(AP Photo/John Locher)

I mean, just look at the man – that should be proof enough. The person in charge of the entire league isn’t even from Earth. Maybe he left his home planet to start some kind of interesting social experiment? I guess we’ll never know for sure. My main issue with Adam Silver is that his unusually short Wikipedia page (Seriously, I’ve had longer receipts) stops listing accomplishments after 2014. He became commissioner in Feb. 2014 and his last accomplishment notable enough to make his Wikipedia page is from Nov. 2014. This begs the questions – what is the most powerful man in the league doing at work? How is he still employed? Answer: he is a front man.

MANALYTICS

My absolute favorite thing about the NBA is the absurd stats that people always seem to pull out of their ass. I’d be surprised if the statisticians weren’t working 24 hours a day to hit their weekly bullshit quotas. It seems like every year the NBA has a new metric or baseline. “LeBron James is averaging 8.92 assists/game in a 70 degree arena on the first Thursday of Ramadan.”* I’m tired of hearing it. The only stat that matters when it’s all said and done is dubs. And no, not those pussies from Golden State. It just seems kind of suspicious that the league can skew their stats to portray whatever fake news they want.

*I cannot confirm the accuracy of this stat

BUZZER BEATERS

People only care about college basketball for one month per year – March. So tell me how there are more buzzer beaters in that one month than in an entire league of “professionals” all season. It almost seems as though the scores are predetermined.

PLAYOFFS

The fact that the Cavs and Warriors have met in the Finals in three straight years is historically absurd, but at the same time it’s boring and predictable. The same two teams meeting in the championship three years in a row has only happened once in each of the other 3 US major sports. And they all occurred before I was even a twinkle in my dad’s eye – actually they all occurred before my dad was even a twinkle in his dad’s eye. So, it’s curious that in a time with 3x as many teams and billions of dollars being invested, that we end up watching the same matchup year over year.

Say it with me folks – the NBA is rigged.

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2 Comments

  1. LOL. If this column is supposed to be all humor and not serious, then it is brilliant. But if you are trying to be real, I’m sorry but owning a Scottie Pippen jersey does not make you qualified in anyway to write on this subject. Basically what you’re saying is “hey I put a band aid on my sister when I was 6, so let me share with you the inner workings of brain surgery.”

    Like

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