Golf without Tiger

Tiger Woods made his triumphant return to golf. That’s what I would’ve said if he actually did anything of note during this past Masters. Instead, we’re with the stark realization of how truly screwed the game of golf is. Masters coverage was just a montage of what used to be and an expectation that Tiger will be back to his normal world beater self and back to the top of the leaderboard in no time. As it turns out, Eldrick is just a man like everyone else. Bodies break down as they get older, so expecting him to be where he once was is simply unrealistic. This was apparent when he was hitting more spectators than fairways throughout the weekend. Yet, the cameras were on him. Even when he stood absolutely no chance of finishing in contention, the tied for 32nd Eldrick Tont Woods was still getting shot for shot coverage. Why? Because this was the first time in years that the casual sports fan was actually interested in golf. They’re reminded of the Sunday red and the free Nike commercials he was providing with his magical run. Now there was a reason to watch golf, because golf without Tiger is absolutely dreadful.

Golf without Tiger is unwatchable. Half of the field has names that sound like they were spit out of a whack ass rap name generator. Vijay Singh, Brooks Koepka, and Rocco Mediate sound like the worst concert of the summer rather than professional golfers. Koepka made around $3.5 million in 2015 from golf, and when he was asked on his good play, he responded by saying golf is boring and wishes he would’ve chosen to play baseball. That is how boring golf is without Tiger. You can make millions of dollars and STILL rather do something else.

Golf without Tiger is like Oklahoma City without Westbrook or Cleveland without LeBron. You’re never going to watch those teams, you’ll wait for the next game they play or you’ll watch the teams they go to. Spurs fans stopped going to games when the stars weren’t playing. Why would they go? You don’t go to watch the bench players play, you go to see the stars.

Golf without Tiger is like SportsCenter without Scott VanPelt. Sure, you might have it on in the background for noise as you do housework or something more interesting like petting your dog. Certainly you’re not sitting down and tuning in the the ridiculously out of touch The 6 with whoever is hosting that show that somehow claims it’s a sport show without talking about sports. Apparently that’s what the youngin’s are into nowadays. Or what they want them to anyway. Scott VanPelt is the best regular anchor left, and just like golf, you’re only going to watch if he’s on.

Golf without Tiger is like going to KC Joe’s, Arthur Bryant’s or Gates and the only option is that BBQ chicken. Sure, it might be good, but you don’t go there for that. You want to get ribs and burnt ends and pulled pork and brisket. More than likely you’re just going to leave and come back when the real food is available. You can have chicken whenever you want. You’ll let other people tell you if it was good or if anything surprising happened. You’ll check back in later.

Golf without Tiger is like watching boxing. Yes, all of boxing. The last time anyone cared about boxing is when Conor “Not a boxer” McGregor “boxed” Floyd “the one other boxer you know is Pacquiao” Mayweather. That was a absolutely desperate and shameful attempt of boxing trying to get people to care. As expected, people tuned in for that one circus show (I’ll admit I was one of them, haven’t even given boxing a second of thought since), realized how big of a scam both guys ran and the absurd amount of money they made and carried on with their lives. Boxing is very close to being a dead sport. Golf isn’t far behind.

I can go on with more, but here are a few more examples. Golf without Tiger is like the following:

Fortnite without friends

Pools during Adult Swim

Cleveland Browns football

Sugar free fruit snacks

Non-alcoholic beer

The Sandlot 2

Ordering French fries at a Mexican place

Actually reading THEN agreeing to terms and conditions

Being Cooper Manning

Going to downtown Lee’s Summit but only to The Peanut

Duke before Coach K

Michael Jordan playing for the White Sox

Let’s face it, golf better find a new face to save itself from extinction. Because golf without Tiger is unwatchable.

–Relli

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