Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you have probably caught wind of the recent scandals involving the social media website Facebook and its creator and supreme leader Mark Zuckerberg – who faced nearly 5 hours of questioning from the US Congress in regard to their data collecting and sharing policies.
And while most people are genuinely concerned about the outcome of this hearing and the future of our privacy on the Net, there is a much more pressing issue that I would like to get to the bottom of. During and after Zuckerberg’s testimonial, there was a flood of comments and posts noting Mark’s strange behavior. This is not new. For years, there have been questions about the true nature of “Mark Zuckerberg.” I, like many others, are convinced that Zuck is not of human origin. Some say he is an alien, and Facebook was designed by extra-terrestrials to catalogue and understand the social nature of us humans. Others proclaim that “Mark” is another type of entity, possibly one of the infamous lizard people, or perhaps an expertly rendered hologram.
I am here to tell you the truth. “Mark Zuckerberg” is not human, nor is he an alien or a lizard. “Mark Zuckerberg” is in fact a fully functional Android. Like a modern-day Pinocchio, the most expertly crafted robot the world has ever seen has tricked us all into giving up our information so that he may learn how to be “a real boy” so to speak. Allow me to pull back the curtain and present to you inadmissible proof of what I like to call “Zuckbot”.
Struggling to Replicate Human Behavior
If you got to catch any of Zuckbot’s testimony in front of Congress, it would be plain to see that the Android was struggling staying in character while in this high-pressure situation. It has been often publicized that Zuckbot has problems replicating human behavioral patterns. He has even been spotted taking classes to help him appear more “human.”
During the questioning, what is immediately obvious is the lack of human emotion in the AI’s wayward, soulless stare. A true human being would be reacting to this scenario by demonstrating a litany of social cues – eye movement/contact, fidgeting, posture changes, etc. However, Zuckbot seems to be made of steel, rigidly straight in his seat, eyes looking directly straight into the abyss with zero emotion.
It seems the computing capacity of the Zuckbot was focused completely on answering Congress’ questions and nothing was diverted to replicating true humanoid behavior. This can be proven further when looking at this tweet showcasing a robotic sip of water Zuckbot attempts to perform during the hearing:
Fluency in Difficult and Ancient Languages
Please tell me how a so-called human being can develop the largest social network on the planet and still have time to learn insanely difficult languages that take experts multiple years of intense studying to master?
Don’t worry, I can answer that for you. Complex linguistic algorithms and programming. The Zuckbot has amazed audiences in Beijing with his remarkable proficiency in Mandarin Chinese – how convenient when you consider the 1.3 BILLION more data subjects he could capture within his network. (Entrepreneur, 2015).
Zuckerberg also confesses to learning and consuming Ancient Latin language and texts. Why though? There is no reason to spend precious time on this – but when you consider that Latin is the root of almost all modern languages and communication it begins to make sense.
Favorite Music is “Whatever My Computer Plays For Me”
Music is a quintessential cornerstone of human history and culture, and in itself is one of the purest forms of emotional and artistic expression. It is no wonder Zuckbot has difficulty grasping this concept. Think of your favorite song or your favorite artist. Undoubtedly, there is some special memories attached to them. There are reasons why you like what you like. Your taste in music defines WHO you are.
Zuckbot’s artificial personality leaves him incapable of forming these bonds. He simply cannot form the human connection necessary to enjoy music. So when asked about his favorites, he says “There’s really no reason why my computer shouldn’t just know what I want to learn next.” (Harvard Crimson, 2004).
Strange Personal Habits/Miscellaneous Weirdness
Right off the bat I think it’s important to note that everyone has their quirks and strange habits. However, “Mark” seems to time and time again demonstrate nonhuman habits and overall strangeness that lead me to believe he is of machine origin.
Zuckbot continually embarks on publicized personal challenges that leave normal humans questioning his sanity. In 2009, for no reason at all Zuckbot dared himself to “wear a tie every day for a year.” Uhhh okay? Shit robots would say to try and fit in for $500, Alex. Two years later Zuckbot doubled down on personal challenges, stating that he would “only be eating animals he has personally killed himself.” Talk about an escalation. One that makes absolutely zero sense. He made this announcement himself on his Facebook page, following up with a post that said:
“I just killed a pig and a goat.”
This is legitimately the truth, and I believe it is the first instance of Zuckbot toying with life itself. (Fortune, 2011).
He Knows We Do Not Trust Him, and It Makes Him Laugh
As the final piece of evidence, I would like to call to attention the fact that Zuckbot knows we do not trust him but doesn’t have the human emotional capacity to care. In fact, in the early days of Facebook, Zuckbot brags about the people who are willingly turning over their data to his network saying, “I don’t know why they trust me” and calling participants in his system “dumb fucks.” (Ranker 2011).
He was also seen wearing a shirt with this strange insignia on it. Apparently it’s the Facebook “Mission Logo,” but it looks to me like some Illuminati or robot cult symbolism:
From all this evidence we can gather a few things: that Facebook was a nefarious invention, not one devised to help us. Even Zuckbot himself was surprised at the ease of which we trusted him with the intimate details of our lives. To Zuckbot, we are a tool. Every day he is learning more, and through this becomes more powerful. The question now becomes – what is Zuckbot’s next move?
Will he begin building an army of similar Zuckbots and attempt to become Overlord of Earth? Maybe he will attempt to publicize all info on the Internet and establish himself as the Gatekeeper of identity and communication, a la Big Brother in 1984?
Or perhaps “Mark Zuckerberg” is just a socially awkward, nerdy man who inadvertently led us into a hellscape of a world where privacy no longer exists, and advertisers and businesses know more about us than our own families do. If that’s the case, I might feel a little bad about this article.
But not really, because you should know better than anybody else Zuckbot – if you put anything out on the Internet, it’s fair game for us all.